Sam's Hell
by 3DBABE1999
Summary: Sam's Hell Revealed In A Nightmare...
1. Chapter 1

**Sam's Hell...**

* * *

**Sam felt the intense heat, felt the hooks piercing through his meat.**

**He opened his eyes.**

**To his right was Adam laying huddled against a wall wrapped in a fine silver light.**

**In front of him were two silver humanoid figures and they stood holding something between them.**

**Sam was confused as he saw it was himself.**

**But then it became clear as he watched himself screaming in agony.**

**BOTH silver figures clutched at the other Sam's hair pulling at the scalp and holding him at a stand.**

**They BOTH grabbed that Sam's face and peeled out a whole nother Sam.**

**That Sam fell into the floor a shaking, screaming wreck as yet another Sam pulled it up and drug it to it's own part of the cage.**

**And that just kept happening.**

**Sam looked around and realized there were hundreds maybe even thousands of other hims and the silver beings in front of him showed no signs of stopping as they continued to peel away even more...**

**... . .. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...**

**One Sam was tied hanging by his outstretched arms and he was being forced to relive the very real pain his own brother's words and actions had caused him.**

**Dean saying things like: "If I didn't know you I'd want to hunt you. You're a monster Sam. I don't think I can trust you anymore. I don't believe... in you**. **I mean I don't know whether it's gonna be demon blood or some other demon chick,or what, but I do know they're gonna find some way to turn you. .. You're angry, you're self rightous. Lucifer's gonna wear you to the prom man it's just a matter of time." **

**Dean doing things like throwing away the amulet Sam had given him.**

**Everytime he relived those things a visible slice would appear in symbolance of the way those words and actions had cut him.**

**... ... ... ... ... ...**

**Another Sam was being held down by Dean as that Dean screamed "YOU WANT DEMON BLOOD SO BAD SAMMY! TAKE A DRINK OF THIS!" And that Dean's eyes turned black as he slit his wrist and forced the bleeding cut to that Sam's mouth. And that Sam plead: "No... Dean... I said I wouldn't...never again... Dean please...don't make me."**

**And Yet another Sam was strapped to a table naked. Arms extended to his sides and another Dean also having black eyes was wielding a blade and using it to torture that Sam saying things like: "You did this to me. I'm here because of you." And that Sam screamed in bloody gurgles "DEAN...I'M SORRY...I'M SO SORRY I MADE YOU BECOME THIS AGAIN!"**

**"YOU RUINED MY LIFE! MY MOTHER AND FATHER DIED JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN!" Another Dean yelled at yet another Sam and that Sam cried out "I'm sorry Dean!...Please I'm SO SORRY...You're right I should never have been born...I should have never existed!"**

**... ... ...**

**Sam felt the pain of ALL of his other selves, he heard EVERYTHING...ALL of his tourturers said and with all of his tourturers being in the form of Dean it made EVERYTHING...that Sam felt become amplified by infinity in the ways he was made to suffer...**

**Then there was a thunderous noise that boomed from around the walls of the cage and with the thunder another silvery humanoid figure began to manifest inside of the cage.**

**"I HAVE COME TO TAKE SAM WINCHESTER AND ADAM MILLIGAN FROM PERDITION..." The figure commanded and pointed Adam and the Sam the other two held in the center of the room.**

**The figure gathered the Sam from the middle of the room to itself along with Adam and with another thunderous noise it was gone leaving all of the other Sam's to wail in despair as they found themselves left behind...**

**It felt like over a century had passed...But really there were no ways of keeping time in the cage as every second bled into another in one long continuous agonizing pain.**

**Sam began to scream that he knew he deserved this place...That it was his fault that he was here...That he'd deserved it for the fact that just his existance had caused suffering.**

**There was another loud thunderous boom that shook the cage...This time it was stronger and it reverberated through Sam's core.**

**Another silvery humanoid appeared within the cage, this one had a brighter glow than any of the others' that Sam had seen and this new figure commanded loudly "I HAVE COME TO TAKE SAM WINCHESTER'S SOUL..."**

**And now Sam was clawing desperatly as he was taken down from the hooks begging "NO...LEAVE ME..I DESERVE TO BE HERE!...DON'T MAKE ME HURT ANYONE ELSE...PLEASE!..I DON'T DESERVE TO BE SAVED!" And all the other Sam's wailed the same as The brighter silvery figure began to combine the screaming struggling mass together to form just one desperately screaming struggling Sam that fought to actually stay in the torturous realm in which he knew he deserved to spend eternity...**

**. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . **

**"SAM WAKE UP! WAKE UP NOW! DO YOU HEAR ME?" Dean yelled as he shook his screaming, struggling brother in attempt to rouse him.**

**It was seemingly the hundreth night in a row that Sam had woke Dean with his screams.**

**At first the cries were something Dean could handle as Sam begged mercy from his captors in nightmares of what Dean could only assume was the cage. Dean could handle Sam's nightmares of hell because he could understand them..And it was the lesser evil as at least Sam had his sanity back (enough to be considered sane for the Winchesters anyway) and Sam might have been having nightmares EVERY NIGHT now for weeks straight but at least he WAS getting SOME SLEEP.**

**But then when Dean started to hear Sam's gut wrenching pleas to be left in the cage and his little brother's desperate screams that he'd caused suffering just by existing and the heartbreaking sobs that he didn't deserve to be saved that he never deserved to even exist or be loved, and that was where Dean drew the line.**

**Dean always tried to wake Sam up before he got to that part of the nightmares now...But this time he'd only set Sam off worse and now his little brother actually struggled underneath him as he fought to keep from being drug out of hell.**

**Sam's eyes snapped open abrubtly, then he looked around wildly untill he realized where he was and what had happened. Dean watched as Sam's eyes filled with fear, pain, disgust and remorse before Sam looked away in humiliation and true to the Winchester's stubborn nature both brothers refused to acknowledge what had just happened.**

**. . .. . . . .**

**...**

**I don't know if this will be the end of this or not I may just leave it as is...Let me know what you think...I LOVE REVIEWS!**


	2. Chapter 2

Sam's Hell (WARNING: Suicidal actions. Foul language..)

. .. .. .. .. .. ..

Once upon a time Dean loved to relish as he broke Sam into "Saying Uncle" because Sam was so damn stubborn and hard to break.. But Dean could ALWAYS make HIS Sammy give in enough to concede defeat.. And now Sam's eyes carried REAL defeat and suddenly "Say Uncle" wasn't such a fun game any more..

Things were not the same between them as they used to be...Used to they could damn near read each other like open books even when they were firmly shut to everyone else in the world...

Used to Dean could get Sam to talk EVENTUALLY when things just got to overwhelming for his little brother..

And USED to be there were times that all it took were the bigest, roundest, most sincere set of puppy dog eyes to make Dean cave to HIS Sammy, give in and ACTUALLY talk... AND share all the parts of his darkened soul that he feared to let anyone else in this world know...

Used to Sam and Dean loved each other unconditionally and they could except EVERYTHING there was to bear with one another...

And now.. What NOW?... There really wasn't more than obligation... Distance... They were so closed of from one another...From themselves...And they were just willing to lock the door on EVERYTHING and throw away the key... And just drift even further apart...

.. .. .. .. .. ..

Dean still loved Sam... He always would but it wasn't the same anymore...There was something missing between them... And it had been missing for a while..

And Dean knew Sam still loved him to.. But the fact that HIS Sammy.. Hell hadn't been HIS Sammy REALLY anymore off and on for 22 years... Ever since he'd gone and defiled his little brother's innocence and told him "monsters" were REAL.. And kept going.. When he'd drug Sam back into the life of hunting when he ACTUALLY had HOPE of a HALFWAY "NORMAL" life, And THEN the final total desimation of the last parts of HIS REAL Sammy came with Dean burdening him with the knowledge that their OWN FATHER declared that Sam should die if he couldn't be saved...

And damn it Dean knew that Sam KNEW that John WInchester DID NOT say something like that if he had not KNOWN for a FACT that Sam was going to have the potential to become evil and not just evil because hell John could have accepted that Sam live at just evil no matter what...

But EVIL...EVIL..EVIL the kind of "thing" that should NOT be allowed to live that was what John had to have known Sam could become.. And in Sam's mind it was John had KNOWN..that EVIL is what Sam ...would become..had already..become just by taking his first breath..

If John Winchester could only see his son's now..

One in denial..That things had really come to this..The shredding of a fabric.. A bond that was never meant to be torn.. Unconditional love..Is unconditional for a reason...

The other thinking he was the worst form of being to have ever walked the earth..That felt like a worse being than even all the creatures in Purgatory and HEll combined..Being the murderer even the unwillful murderer of your family does things to a person's soul that can't be mended...

And that's what Sam knew he was.. A murdering piece of filth from the moment he'd taken his first breath.. All because his existance had really only been conjured... He had been engineered JUST to become Lucifer's vessel.. And everything bad that had ever happened to Dean had been because Sam was even born... A journey of revenge against all the wrong creatures as the one to blame for Dean's mother's death had been under John's nose the whole time.. The reason Dean's father had died to save Dean from something that never would have happened had Sam never been born.. Then Dean had made a deal to save Sam's worthless life and would have allowed himself to be cast to hell for Sam's sake.. And just when Dean had gotten a lucid rational thought in his head and he had realized that he didn't want to die, to go to hell not really nor had he ever really wanted that..It was just the fact that "Protect Sammy" had been drilled into Dean's mind until it had become full with just that one singular thought.. Dean was ripped to shreds in the cruelest of ways just when he realized Sam WAS NOT worth dying over let alone going to Hell for..

And Sam found he'd turned out to be the biggest disapointment EVER when all he could do was lie and become an addict...And to demon blood of all things...

Then Sam had gone to Hell.. Only to find that his real punishment was not getting to pay his penance..To NOT burn in Hell for all eternity the way he knew he deserved...

Days were spent quietly brooding by both brothers and nights were filled with the pathetic screams and pleas of the one who wanted to feel the tortures of Hell because he wanted to be made to pay for what he knew what he had done..

...

Sam silently cursed Dean...He had been so close to securing his hold this time..When Dean smacked him across the face and forced him to wake from the bliss of the punishment he had been desperate to get back to.. Leave it to a Winchester to be so messed up and full of self blame that they actually consider the tortures of the Cage blissful..

"Damn it.." Sam growled.. Waking up when he'd come so close to the only place he deserved to be, had made him cranky.

Then another smack in the face.. then one upside the head as Dean's voice broke through the etherial.. And Sam realized he still hadn't opened his eyes.. Maybe hadn't even spoken.. when he heard Dean say.. "Sam..Hey..Hey!.. Can you hear me in there?... Stupid!" Then there was another slap to his face and now Dean was yelling his breath hot against Sam's face as Dean screamed "SAM!" Another slap..Then a sob.. A sob?.. As Dean begged "Please open your DAMN EYES!"

Sam felt himself turning to jello..His body was going limp and slumping forward... He didn't even know how..Why he could hear Dean... He was sure he had taken enough pills to suffeciently end the abomination he knew he was once and for all.. Yet Dean was getting through all that drug induced stupery haze and Sam cursed his soul as Dean's voice was actually making his soul rally and try to live.. And Sam had been so sure that his soul had been the part of him to need this most of all..

...

2 WEEKS AGO...

Dean had woken up to Sam's screams and pleas like always and just like always it was getting harder than ever to pull Sam out... And he hated... HATED to know that this had been the way Sam had felt probly since the very day he found out that Azazel had tainted him.. But as soon as Sam had snapped awake he just hid his heartache from Sam and let himself shut down like always..

Like always Sam was sulky, sullen and weary looking... And maybe there had been things..Subtleties that Dean had been missing that the weight on Sam's shoulders was just to much..That there was just to much burden for him to bear even though none of it should have ever been his to carry.. .. ..

.. ..

At first Dean was happy that Sam seemed to be sleeping soundly as he came in carrying a bag of takeout...

He wasn't going to wake his brother as Dean weighed a sound sleep to be more important than dinner right now.. ..

Then there it was like a stab to the gut.. As he walked to the table in the middle ot the room to place down the food and he saw the empty pill bottle on the floor just under Sam's bed spread.. ..

"DAMN IT!" Dean growled as he hauld Sam up to a sitting position.. He slapped Sam in the face trying to wake him.. Yelled.. Cried.. And Sam only became even more lax than he'd already been..

He couldn't do this.. He couldn't be in this life without Sam.. And as much as he knew he'd hate himself later for this and how much Sam would probably LOATH him.. Dean took out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1..

And he was honest (well mostly) for the first time in his life when the doctors asked how Sam had over dosed.. He gave a hollow, pathetic wrecked sob as he bawled out grievously "He was trying to kill himself.."

"If your brother truely is a suicide risk I can't allow him to be discharged until after a psyche evaluation." The doctor stated as he checked a few things off on a piece of paper attached to a clipboard.

All Dean could do was nod..

He knew his brother was probably going to be admitted to a psyche ward and Dean knew that it would be hard for Sam to deal with being committed again.. But Dean knew his brother needed help he couldn't give this time.. Dean had to conceed to this lesser evil if he wanted Sam to live... And he wanted Sam to not just LIVE but to actually heal...

Dean listened mutely as three days later Sam had passed his psyche evaluation,,, Well it is the Winchester way to deny.. deny.. deny.. After all...

But what Sam didn't know was that when Dean took him back to the last hotel room they had been staying.. Was that EVERYTHING... "IMPORTANT" would be GONE.. .. ALL their weapons.. ALL their research..GONE...

A look of confusion passed on the face who's mouth hasn't opened to do anything more than speak when spoken to.. To a doctor and to medical staff.. and to barely eat just enough to prove he was both rational and sane..And who's mouth has held nothing but a tight silent, angry, mutinous grimace for his own brother..

Sam cocked his head.. Thought maybe Dean had already packed all that stuff into the trunk of the "car of the week" and that all that was left now was just their stuff.. The stuff they didn't use to kill things like clothes, food and magazines..

Then Sam realized as he started to silently pack up his clothes...That his belts were missing.. His razor.. His shoelaces.. And Sam's stomach rolled from the wave of nauseated annoyance as he ran out to the car pulled open the trunk.. And found NOTHING.. .. Well he knew for damn sure where Dean would keep a gun.. .. There wasn't a possible way Dean could even nod off without the reasurance of cold hard steel .. Loaded with six rounds of ammo.. He charged back into the hotel room.. .. Completely having forgotten Dean's presence in search of the only reminants he could find of the only life he'd ever known.. And when he pulled back Dean's pillow.. Checked in between Dean's mattress.. looked under Dean's bed.. ... NOTHING, NOTHING and yep MORE NOTHING.. NO KNIVES.. NO GUNS.. Not even ANY of the herbs for spells and rituals and hexbags that REALLY GOOD hunters LIKE THEM.. ALWAYS carry.. Except a couple packets of .. Little fast food joint packets, of salt in the bottom of a take out bag in the other wise empty trash can.. NOT EVEN A FREAKING PLASTIC BAG.. IN THE DAMN TRASH CAN.. There wasn't even PLASTIC.. knives or even forks.. Just spoons..

The strongest thing he could find in the medicine cabinet was JUST some overly minty toothpaste.. No mouthwash.. NOT even a damn asprin in sight..

When it hit him.. The realization of EXACTLY what Dean had done.. He felt humiliated.. Like a FAILURE.. .. He couldn't even end his own life .. .. And NOW his act had caused Dean to cast aside hunting.. Chunk EVERYTHING that could pose ANY kind of threat to ANYTHING.. .. Unless there was some "thing" out there that could be repelled or killed by a tube of Colgate and two fast food packets of salt..

So now Sam felt he couldn't not only kill himself right.. But that now he'd gone and practically signed his own brother up for a death sentance, again, as "THINGS" wouldn't stop coming for them just because they were unarmed and defenseless.. And he knew Dean would sacrifice himself before letting ANYTHING.. EVEN hurt him..

The next thing Sam knew his knees were hitting the hard bathroom tile and he was emptying every bit of stomach contents he'd accumulated over the last three days into the porcelain basin of the hotel room's toilet..

It forced a startled whine.. from his depths... when he felt a gentle hand against his back.. And then he heard Dean's voice say soothingly "SHhh Sammy.. It's okay.. I'm gonna take care of you.. I'll get you through this.. I'll get US through this.. You'll see." And why he had been startled and flinching was beyond him as he WANTED to be hurt.. To be PUNISHED for living.. So why was there a hint of fear at being so much as touched?

Then Sam felt his weakened seemingly empty shell pulled away from the porcelain bowl he clutched to desperately in fevered fear and guilt and into his brother's chest.. And as Dean's arms closed around him he heard Dean say "Never think that your not worth loving again Sammy.. God Sammy NEVER think your not worth redeeming again.. Don't think That you desrve Hell EVER again..NEVER have you deserved hell and most certainly not for just breathing Sammy.. Please.. I'm begging you.. You've NEVER hurt me when I didn't deserve it.. And I've deserved it alot Sam I was such a hypocrite and an ASS.. My life wouldn't be ANYTHING without you in it... So NEVER think your not worth existance again.. And so help me GOD I will KICK your ASS if YOU EVER...EVER scare me like that again!"...

Sam knew then that Dean HAD found the note he'd left.. His desperate pleading last words. To have Dean just let him go.. To have Dean just let him burn in the depths of hell where he KNEW he belonged for merely existing.. The begging that he not be mourned as it was he who had caused Dean's suffering in life.. The begging that nothing be done to save him if there was even the slightest chance as he didn't want to be made to hurt Dean or anyone else ever again..

Sam was shaking and crying as Dean only hugged him even tighter whispering "I'll ALWAYS try to save you Sammy.. And it's not because of obligation.. It's because I love you and you'll always deserve that and you'll always be worth that and I'm never gonna let either one of us forget that again."..

And Sam knew deserving to be damned or not that Hell or Heaven or "WHEREVER" he was going when he died was gonna have to wait for him because Dean was NOT going to be letting him go any time soon..

And Sam wrapped his arms around Dean and hugged him back tightly giving a whining cry as he whispered "I love you to Dean.."

. . . .

... ... ...

For Alex Megan I hope you like the hugs!


End file.
